Called out by The Cloud

After my trip, I am working on getting back to my daily and other reading habits. One of the books that I am steadily working with is "The Cloud of Unknowing". I just stumbled onto a passage that really diagnoses the type of experience that I described a couple posts back when I talked of repenting from a gnostic error. The author of The Cloud in Chapter 4 talks about two primary faculties: Knowing and Loving. They say that God cannot be known through the first but is entirely known through the second. If we were speaking Spanish I would hazard to guess that the first "know" is saber and the second is conocer. God cannot be grasped as a fact, but can be beheld as a person.

Though it probably violates the admonitions put forth in the very beginning of The Cloud, I'd like to post the primary paragraph that resonated with a stretch of years in my past. It has some very profound things to say about that attempt and its dangers:

A person hearing this book read or quoted may misunderstand my point. I'm not saying that if a person thinks hard enough, he or she will succeed in the work of contemplation. I do not want people sitting around analyzing, racking their brains, their curiosity forcing their imagination to go entirely the wrong way. It's not natural. It's not wise for the mind, and it's not healthy for the body. These people are dangerously deluded, and it would take a miracle to save them God in his infinite goodness and mercy would have to intervene, making these people stop such a wrong-minded approach and seek the counsel of experienced contemplatives; otherwise, such erring souls could succumb to madness, frenzied fits, or the devil's lies, which lead to the profound misery of sin and eventually to the loss of body and soul, for all eternity.

I can definitely say that the author is right. In the ten years between 1997 and 2007, I experienced all of the pitfalls mentioned, not as the only feature of my life, but certainly in large events and large swathes of time. When pushed to my limit, I looked to God in the small hours and said in great distress, "I do not understand". There is no worse feeling on the gnostic quest when knowledge and understanding are the keys to the imagined life that "should" be.

However, I was not permanently lost. God did indeed intervene, slow things down, and break me out of my pattern. I did indeed seek the counsel of experienced contemplative. The cathedral community and its various ministries is full of vital and experienced contemplatives.

My descent into Egypt is not a new challenge nor one that I have faced which others have not. I pray that they may be delivered from the pain of having to figure it all out. For those that can turn back and choose love which transcends and includes knowledge that they may gain as much as I did from my wanderings among the rocky paths.

Perfect love cast out all fear, including the fear of unknowing.

Two stray thoughts and a poem

Serendipitous Idea of the Day (actually last Friday) Number 1

Quantum mechanical theory of the afterlife:  dead people are waves, incarnated people are particles.  The contemplative mind can help us particles remember that we too are the waves. 

Serendipitous Idea of the Day Number 2

In healthy situations, children are not load bearing members of society, but rather are freely contained within the structure provided by adults.  Since we are advised that unless be become like a child we will be unable to enter the kingdom of God, perhaps that kingdom is an entire society without any load bearing members.  What a relief indeed that would be.  That to me is an idea worthy to be called Heaven.
 
However before we go to far towards fanaticizing about not having any responsibilities, it would be good to remind ourselves of the seriousness of play and the concepts of “work without effort” as discussed in the first letter of “Meditations on the Tarot”.  Cynthia Bourgeault, wisdom teacher par excellence and one of our speakers in Albuquerque, calls that book the Bible of the Christian Hermetic tradition.  I first read it in college on the recommendation of my Martinist brothers and sisters.  Rumor has it there is a photo of John Paul II at his desk with a copy of the original French edition on top of a stack of books.  When I picked it up again recently, I was surprised to see that the reviewers were Basil Pennington and Thomas Keating.  Certainly not New Agers.  I’m sure I didn’t know who they were at the time.  It is quite interesting how that book holds together just the threads that I’m working on reintegrating right now.  This is unlikely to be the last time I mention it. 
 
How’s this for an interesting perspective (from the book that triggered this thought in the first place:  “The Sacred Journey” by Charles Foster, the eighth and final volume of The Ancient Practices Series edited by Phyllis Tickle, who spoke on the Great Emegence both in Albuquerque last year and just a few weeks ago in Texas at the Episcopal Church’s Bishop’s Retreat):
 
“The child, too, has a real relationship with time, undistorted by the accelerating effect of deadlines and airplanes, the decelerating effect of boredom, or the artificial punctuation of alarms.”

A society where everyone works without effort with the wonder and openness of children; seems like a reasonable goal and perhaps something attainable enough to truly be called “at hand”.  Plus is resonantes with our true role as children of God. God is the adult which provides the containing structure in which we "live and move and have our being".


Poem from a point of return

Already here.
Never so far away
as when we forget
that one all encompassing fact.

Already here.
Already here.

Take off your shoes
for this is holy ground.

Back on the river

So I'm back from the conference and back online. Happy about both. The conference will take a bit more processing before it turns into any postings. It was excellent and very helpful. We really shifted gears this year. The speakers harmonized a bit more deeply and looked carefully at how the contemplative mind will help us stay in this transitional space and open up future possibilities.

Last year, I did not have the confidence to talk to nearly as many people as I did this time. Also it wore me out pretty thoroughly. I picked up Richard Rohr's "Everything Belongs". Last year I think I was making a mistake he mentions in that book: I was "pushing the river". The important thing is to realize that we're already in the river and to let us take us. Our old friend: surrender.

To completely mix metaphors: It is great to be back on solid ground. This spring has been quite an initiation for me.

Light and Peace this night.

Holy Week trumps technology

On the Monday of Holy Week my laptop decided to throw in the towel, probably out of spite since I'd decided to replace it next year rather than this year. Between Holy Week liturgies, the Apple Store being preoccupied with the iPad release and my trip to New Mexico, immediate fixes were not in store for me.

At the moment I'm awaiting departure to Albuquerque and couldn't resist a kiosk to connect in my few minutes of downtime.

Very much looking to new experiences and conversations as well as heightened computing power when I return :)

For now this monk is taking a short sojourn into the wider world.

A blessed Eastertide to you!

Called back to the desert

Two weeks from now, during the Octave of Easter, I will be back in Albuquerque for the second Emerging Christianity conference hosted by the Center for Action and Contemplation. Though I really enjoyed last years conference, I was not sure that I would return. However as soon as I saw the line up of speakers, I knew that I was called back. And really just as of the last day or so has it felt close enough to picture. Part of that may be due to news I've gathered through Facebook concerning the presentation of concepts and stories from the emerging front to the House of Bishop of the Episcopal Church at their annual retreat. There were a number of speakers brought in for that occasion including three with whom I am particularly familiar: Karen Ward (Church of the Apostles in Seattle), Diana Butler Bass and Phyllis Tickle. Karen is heading up things emerging for her diocese (our neighbors to the north) and seems to be spearheading the Episcopal Village initiative. I was lucky enough to visit her community back in December for a conversation concerning new and traditional monasticism for the 21st century. Truly an amazing ministry and witness. Diana will be speaking at this year's conference in Albuquerque, while Phyllis was a speaker last year. Brian McLaren and Phyllis are advising Episcopal Village as well. All of this truly seems to be combining to make this the "Episcopal Moment" that Brian, Karen, and others are calling it. In Brian's foreword to a document behind (or at least running parallel) to Episcopal Village (www.episcopalvillage.org BTW), he mentions that in this instance, rather than hindering us, our hierarchical structure could help us to become responsive change agents within the wider church. We have recently seen just that sort of possibility take hold within the Rosicrucian Order. I know that it could work here as well. The presentations to the House of Bishops this week will go far towards making that possible. I'm so excited for our new bishop to be on the scene. He is actually going to be consecrated the same weekend I am away and seated at the cathedral (my parish church) on the Octave itself. So many new possibilities are afoot. I entered Lent as a period of discernment with a priest and my abbot to consider next steps for formation and ministry and have been caught up in a wonderful rising tide of possibility.

Onward to Jerusalem! Palm Sunday approaches with its double edged sword of joy and challenge. May we all rise to the kingdom possibilities it raises.

A shout out to the Rosicrucians

These past nine days have really made a huge difference in where I am at and the perspective that I have on my life at the moment. Though there were events and discussions out in the real world that were part of it, a lot of it has to do with being able to use this blog as a workspace to explore long standing issues and confusions.

Over the weekend a shift occurred that I did not expect to see for five to ten years. It started by following up on an email from my best friend in the Order and one from headquarters giving the figures regarding a revitalization among the membership and new applications [47% increase in number of active members during 2009]. My friend confirmed those numbers on the ground. Our local group that has been just holding on for years has doubled in size in the past two months.

This is really the fruit of a long process. We have held jurisdiction wide visioning sessions for about a decade. That culminated in a Vision Plan released by the leadership team about a year ago. When I saw it I could hardly believe the proposed changes. It was the Rosicrucian equivalent of the Mission Shaped Church report (from the CofE). Emerging Rosicrucianism has apparently hit the scene along with other cultural changes that are part of Phyllis Tickle’s “Great Emergence” as the wider phenomenon of which Emerging Christianity is a part.

When I saw the Vision Plan last year, I noted the potential but knew that I couldn't just run right back. I did however mention it to a priest with whom I attended the Emerging Church conference last year in Albuquerque (only a few weeks away from the second one, yeah!). We noted the large scale qualities of this shift.

With confirmation that things actually have made a difference, I was immediately drawn to reconnect. Though I have been away from my local Rosicrucian group for about two years, my dues actually only lapsed nine months ago. My lessons, notes, etc. have only been boxed up for about six months. Perhaps that was just enough time to have successfully let go so that I could return freely later. I read something the other day that said “There is a big difference between still believing in something and believing in something again.” I think I needed to be able to switch from one mode to the other.

So the end result is that I have reconnected with my friend, reactivated my membership, and even exchanged short but joyful emails with the Grand Master. Hearing from her was like reconciling with an old friend. She and I never had any personal trouble (in fact in years past she was very kind to my father), but she represented a whole structure that I had thought I needed to leave behind. I truly did not realize how much quiet pain remained by being estranged from the Order which since high school has trained, encouraged, and supported me.

If I can move forward toward reintegrating both my Christian and Hermetic sides that would be truly amazing.

Funny story about the Corpus Hermeticum to wrap this up: When the early Muslims were coming through what is now Turkey, they encountered the Sabeans. Looking for the third option beyond convert or die, they said that they too were a people of the book. When challenged, they ran and got a copy of the Corpus Hermeticum and said, “This, this is our book”. So for somewhere on the order of 1200 years, Hermeticists have been the “fourth people of the book”. Funny how things work out sometimes.

Fourth time's the charm?

This moment represents the fourth time I've tried to gain traction with the whole "change the world" business. However, it may also represent a fundamentally different approach that arose naturally out of community. The unsuccessful pattern that I have exhibited three times, runs like this: I write a book; within a year by seeking to apply my new principles, I push myself way too far and have a manic episode, my plans fail, I crash (but usually not too hard), then I spend years building up steam to do it again. I've written these books of various types at ages 16, 20, and 28. Said manic episodes occurred at 17, 21, and 29. The only time I fully left consensual reality behind me was that middle one which is likely why it took eight years instead of four for the cycle to kick back on. This past December I felt just the slightest twinge of mania. Too put it bluntly, it freaked me the hell out. The primary difference between those with bipolar disorder and those without it are that our brains lack some of the safety features usually installed as standard issue. We can push ourselves down a path vastly farther than is safe long after healthy people's system would simply have pulled the plug. A simple example is sleep. When I took my leap off the deep end and was hospitalized during that middle episode, I had been awake for almost a week (ironically except the night before I was brought to triage by my friends). Once hospitalized and even with all the drugs, I was awake two more nights. I only found peace and slept once they locked me in isolation (and FYI when they do that they try and be nice and leave the door open etc. which completely defeats the purpose of being there). My brain was on sensory overload until they simply sealed my whole body in a contained space. Then I could heal.

So now that you know way more about my mental health history than you bargained for, how is this time different? The key features of my failed attempts are: inspiration in isolation, seeking personal power, codifying a personal system of beliefs or insights, being willing to risk daily life for the possibilities I perceived. My reaction to that twinge in December was to do the mental equivalent of driving my mind into a snow bank. Too prevent losing control on the ice, I took a lower level disaster. As such I experienced a depression unlike any that I've experienced since I've been successfully medicated (keep in mind that covers 15 years so I was a bit surprised at its depth). However unpleasant that might have been, it was far less dangerous than the alternative. Granted, the goal is to keep from hitting either of those pylons, but we do the best we can. In case numbers matter to any of you as they sometimes do to me, I just turned 35 before said twinge. The distance between now and the third episode is an average of the other two intervals.

The features of this new attempt, which may make all the difference are: inspiration in community, seeking to serve, reading rather than writing, and understanding that the only way to get where I'd like to go is in balance with mundane requirements. There is an African aphorism that has shown up in at least three places in my reading during the past two weeks. It goes:

If you want to travel quickly, go alone;
If you want to travel far, go together.

I'm done traveling quickly. I'm ready to travel together.

May this day bring you many blessings.