St. Andrews Crossroads

Over the course of this year a series of shifts occurred for me wherein I stopped navigating life by the Christian map. It was not a question of not believing or even being in conflict on a values level. To use Marcus' phrasing: I stopped speaking Christian and found myself in territory where I needed to revive religious language and practice that I learned outside the church. Trinity has been a place where I could share a more complete version of myself than in any other Christian community that I have encountered. For that I am very grateful.

However this fall in particular I encountered situations and opportunities that I could not address adequately as a Christian. I did find that I could be of service by taking up roles of which I had systematically divested myself in the year that I returned to Trinity. I again find myself at a crossroads just as I did at that time. Both of them feel a bit like a betrayal to the community in which I was centered at the time. The one thing I do know about the whole arc of my journey is that God has been with me and that for all my mistakes and stumblings, I have drawn closer to the mysteries and have continually found sincere people doing what they are called to do in order to seek that closeness as well.

I knew I had hit a bit of a critical point last weekend when I had no desire to participate in any part of the Christmas liturgies. I thought a weekend in the hermitage, so to speak, would give me a fresh start. A fresh start, perhaps, but I know my place is elsewhere. I have been in similar positions with the church twice before in my life. Both of those times I took a stance where I was essentially voting against the church. This time I'm just letting go. The church has its role and its community. My associates and I have ours. I trust that God is using both of us to reach out to somewhat different folks but all for connection to the larger whole that is the divine-human family.

*****

And the conditionality of the subjunctive closes, leaving a very active but wholly different indicative.