Churches as Monasteries; Parishioners as 21st Century Religious?

I started this late last night but the technology conspired to tell me to wait, rest as best I could and finish later. As a contextual note, temporally this post surrounds the passing of my father, spiritually his passing surrounds the granting of the image above. I felt I needed to capture it because though yet undeveloped I felt it strongly connected to a call to the ordained priesthood finally arising from the sea of possibilities. As they say: discerning good from good is far more difficult than discerning good from bad.

Last night, once I knew we were only hours away from his transition, a liminal space was created in my vigil for him. Though far away in distance, the part of him that is in me really seemed to give me some clear perspective as only moments like these can. In a final period of quiet reading before bed, I picked Eugene Peterson's "Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places" off my shelf as I had been diverted from reading this series some time ago. This paragraph in particular struck me in relation to the spiritual but not religious crowd and the role of churches:

Because of this spiritual poverty all around, this lack of interest in dealing with what matters most to us--a lack in our schools, our jobs and vocations, and our places of worship alike--'spirituality,' to use the generic term for it, has escaped institutional structures and is now more or less free-floating. Spirituality is 'in the air.' The good thing in all this is that the deepest and most characteristic aspects of life are now common concerns: hunger and thirst for what is lasting and eternal is widely acknowledged and openly expressed; refusal to be reduced to our job descriptions and test results is pervasive and determined. The difficulty, though, is that everyone is more or less invited to make up a spirituality that suits herself or himself. Out of the grab bag of celebrity anecdotes, media gurus, fragments of ecstasy, and personal fantasies, far too many of us, with the best intentions in the world, because we have been left to do it 'on our own,' assemble spiritual identities and ways of life that are conspicuously prone to addictions, broken relationships, isolation, and violence.

I think a lot of the concern lately among churches (even those within the emergent stream) is how to get the genie back in the bottle so to speak. It just doesn't go that way. That is not necessarily a bad thing. With cooperation, this situation could actually become Joachim di Fiori's "Age of the Holy Spirit".

That is not to say that we don't need to undertake the work that Rev. Peterson is setting out to discuss. We do need to clear the decks and get at the heart of our traditions to inspire each other towards becoming the child of God that we already are.

Given that spirituality is not going to be reinstitutionalized, what is the contribution of institutions? This is where the image in the title of the post came to me. With a very different baseline in the surrounding society, Christians become the countercultural minority our best self often shows.

With no societal pressure to be a part of churches, the people of those communities become like monastics keeping a rule of life (the Baptismal Covent for Episcopalians) in an environment of attentive listening (i.e. obedience) to each other and the ordered clerics that serve to coach them in their call to ministry. Even without a practice of the daily office, the discipline of Sunday services when society is free to sleep in is a witness to a way of connecting to God.

These communities allow for gradual belonging as a permeable set centered on Christ. They connect with their neighbors in a variety of ways. They are places of hospitality for those seeking a connection with God in keeping the liturgy, the work of the people, going so that it is available as a bridge to the divine. The radical ethics of Jesus inform the choices made in the daily living of the lives of God's people.

As the leaven in the loaf of the world, we let our prayers and compassion reach to God, soak into us, and reach out through us to change the whole. One of my Benedictine brothers describes monasteries as grace factories. May our churches of whatever variety, however large, and however numerous be that light for the world.

Mentoring Christians towards that type of engagement is a vocation to which I would happily give the rest of my life.

I thank my father, deacon and elder of the Presbyterian Church, lover of God, Neighbor, and Self, for clearing away my mental and emotional clutter on his way out of this life and into the next. He does not leave this world unchanged. Many blessings upon his soul: freed now from physical struggle and in the Peace of God. Amen.

A peace settles in

In the midst of an academy weekend, I settle in for the evening amidst books, music and some new furniture that rounds out the reading room of my living room: more shelves to give some space to breathe and a foot companion to last years armstool. Funny story about the armchair is that I picked it up last year's retreat to Guadalupe Abbey in Lafayette. Only about a month later did I realize that the chair, lamp and other rearrangements gave me a space that replicated my situation in the abbey guest quarters.

Tonight I am looking into the life of St. Malachy of Ireland. In addition to some interesting prophesies that I knew about previously, as it turns out he was an almost exact contemporary of St. Bernard and brought Cistercian practice to Ireland. I picked it up yesterday in Reed's library while looking for a book on Francis Xavier for my second homily assignment. I couldn't resist it and now I am really glad I followed through on the urge. The difference of perspective of Cluniac and Cistercian monks was the subject of my reflection paper this week, which was the primary purpose of my visit to Reed last night. i needed the space and time set aside to produce it. I am finding that I work really well there.

Tonight though, is not production but quiet reflection. Other matters on the table before final lights out are Prayer Book evolution as I now have copies of the 1662 English standard and the 1928 American to go along with my Oxford Guide to the subject.

So many fascinating nooks and crannies within this faith that in principle can be so simple (if not easy). In the midst of all this complexity is a hunger for the sacred and for mystery. My historical studies this term with the academy have stirred up a consciousness of this cloud of witnesses. As our chaplain reminded me this evening, it is this cloud with whom we pray the office even when we are alone.

May the blessings of peace be with you this night.

A new milestone

So my birthday just passed. Two years ago I spend my birthday evening in the "Introduction to Benedictine Practice" class prior to joining my community. Last year I was in a mini-retreat at Guadalupe Trappist Abbey from the day before to the day after my birthday. This year I spent it at the Academy. In addition to turning in a pile of written work, I delivered my first sermon and survived.

Just for fun, here is the text:

Sometimes once you notice something you start seeing it everywhere. That’s how I feel about this evening’s Psalm over the past couple weeks. As I started thinking about preaching for the first time, I remembered my church growing up. We used the final verse of this Psalm as a responsive prayer in preparation for the Sunday sermon. I had considered using it here even before I knew that we would already be praying it together. I wasn’t even sure which psalm that verse came from. It cropped up again about a week ago in my Benedictine small group. That week’s leader had chosen it as our opening prayer and we reveled in its expansive language. I was pleased both to run into the verse that I had in mind and to see the beauty of its original context. And so as I begin, I feel blessed that this scripture from my early formation has shown up to greet me in a new phase of formation.

Tonight, we are honoring the life and work of Richard Hooker: an Anglican apologist born in the decade following the printing of the first Book of Common Prayer. He would devote an entire volume of his primary work, “The Laws of Ecclesiastical Polity” to defending the Prayer book and its style of worship against the claims of the Puritans. As is generally the case with great works, this undertaking has roots earlier in our scholar’s life. Richard Hooker was Master of Temple Church in London from 1585 to 1591. The unusual title for his position as rector comes from the church’s origin as the English headquarters for the Knights Templar. Needless to say, the Knights hit an extremely bad run of luck and their space became the spiritual home to others. In Hooker’s time, it was primarily home to lawyers, judges and future hopefuls in that field. It was also home to those of a more reform and even puritanically minded Christianity. Hooker’s traditionally oriented Mastership was balanced by a Puritan named Walter Travers, who was nominally Hooker’s assistant, but was in reality a bit of an opponent and theologian in his own right. He held the title of Reader of the Temple. While the Master was in charge, it was the Reader who generally set the theological teaching and tone. Naturally they didn’t see eye to eye. From what I could find it does not seem that Hooker had a particularly great effect on his flock’s opinions at the time, though Travers was eventually censured for annoying the Archbishop one too many times.

It is not surprising then, when away from London in a less demanding post that he should take up the question once again. Five volumes of “The Laws of Ecclesiastical Polity” were published in his lifetime and three more after his untimely death from a winter chill. However, the compelling thing to me is that he was not trying to defeat either the Catholic position or that of the Puritans. In some ways, he was really playing for a draw. He began by demonstrating the very small kernel of doctrine necessary for salvation. He showed that not even the creeds are based on the scriptures alone but by our reason applied to them. They represent a developing tradition of inquiry upon the revelation of Christ’s life and teachings. Some even point to this argument as the origin of our “Anglican Three-Legged Stool” of Scripture, Tradition and Reason. What his line of reasoning did show is how Christians are connected on the most fundamental level and that much of the rest can come or go without anyone risking their salvation. All he wanted to demonstrate was that the Church of England was a suitable vehicle for the mystery of Christ. Indeed one of his complaints against the Puritans was that they were pushing too hard on the mystery and trying to sharpen edges that were meant to be a bit blurry. There is a beautiful line from his Laws which speaks to this: “Oh, that men would more give themselves to meditate with silence what we have by the sacrament, and less to dispute of the manner how.”

This tendency to avoid the sharp edges and hard extremes is an important characteristic of Anglicanism. It is driven not by a sense of avoidance, at least not on our good days, but rather by seeking unity. One of my favorite snippets of prayer from our liturgy is the beginning of Form III of the Prayers of the People: “Father, we pray for your Holy Catholic Church; that we all may be one”. I feel that Richard Hooker was praying that prayer too, the one we take from today’s gospel reading.

Today we hear Jesus’ prayer for us. He reaches beyond and through all the pages of history that we’ve been studying these past several weeks and reaches right into this gathering. The one we gather around prays this his disciples and all those in the great chain of followers that they initiate can hold things together that we might know the unity that he has experienced with God. We might be a little rough around the edges, a bit more fractured that perhaps one might wish, but if we believe with Richard Hooker that all we need is our connection to Christ to be Christian, than we can celebrate that connection and our Lord’s prayer reaching our ears this evening.

All of our struggles with understanding are perhaps the bulk of the Christian story we have been reading, but they are not the thread binding the book together. That honor goes to this unifying love Jesus prayed for us. And with this love might just come a sense of the wisdom that Paul points to in our reading from his First Letter to the Corinthians. It might be hiding out between the lines of this contentious story. Paul assures us that it is there, behind the competing claims of this world that will pass away. Where there is now a façade of struggle and argument, we might one day find wisdom holding us up like the Strength of the Lord, the Redeeming Rock, of our Psalm.

In spring for the past couple years I have attended a conference on the Emerging Church hosted by Richard Rohr’s Center for Action and Contemplation. The first year the backdrop behind the speakers was a great tree representing the Christian tradition with its roots in Judaism and its branches spreading out into the various denominations that we know today. This symbol was a reminder for us that what can look fractured might indeed be the development of a living unity when looked at from a different angle. Jesus is the seed that brought forth this flourishing tree: one holy tree that we may be one in him as he was one with God. I offer up Richard Hooker this night as a careful and loving gardener that tended to our branch just as it was emerging from the limb that had carried it that far. Amen.



Feast of Richard Hooker

Psalm 19
1 Cor 6-10, 13-16
John 17:18-23



Background reading on Richard Hooker

Lee W. Gibbs, Richard Hooker: Prophet of Anglicanism or English magisterial reformer? (Evanston, IL: Anglican Theological Review 84:4, 2002).

Robert K. Faulkner, Richard Hooker and the Politics of a Christian England (Berkeley, California: University of California Press, 1981).

“Richard Hooker,” http://www.parishes.oxford.anglican.org/draytonbeauchamp/richard_hooker.htm, downloaded on 10/29/2010.

October winds

How could it possibly be two weeks since my last post? October is moving incredibly quickly and my cup, through stable, nearly runneth over. Mostly I've been studying and having lots of meetings. I've been learning lots about lay ministry, the priesthood of the people of God, the evolution of structures in the first few centuries of the church, and several perspectives on homiletics. I've been spending some Saturdays in the library of my college which has been great. There is not a lot of competition on Saturday for space. It feels wide open and quiet in there. I can sit still and work much more effectively than at home even though I virtually live in a library. I'm very happy to be able to connect the Academy to Reed. One other of the twelve academy students is a Reedie which is a pretty high proportion when it comes down to it. I'm hoping that by reconnecting this way and doing my research there will abate the recurrent dreams I've always had about starting senior year over (or somehow getting a second degree there). I've always been disappointed with my performance senior year and have fairly consciously wished for a do over of sorts. In some ways that's what I have now: a new educational endeavor centered in theology like I've always wanted. I considered going to St. Andrews, Scotland for a Bachelor of Divinity three different times including straight out of high school. Course then I'd still be presbyterian, which though an important part of the body of Christ doesn't happen to be the part in which I am called to be. So all is for the best. I remain happily in Portland and find myself re-ensconced in the Reed Library, which incidentally is where I turned in 2003 to find books and give myself a crash course in what it meant to be an Episcopalian. Wheels within wheels as they say.

Autumnal blessings upon you!

The Double Spiral of the Life of the Spirit

Last week, I was fortunate to see two excellent speakers: Father William Meninger, a Cistercian who was one of the original teachers to return contemplative prayer to the Church, and David Abram: a highly creative cultural ecologist. In some ways they represent two of the deepest aspects of my spiritual life.

David Abram told us about the pervasiveness of the association of the words and concepts by which we express mind, wind, spirit, psyche. Mind, like the earth, is something that we are in. As Paul preached to the Athenians: God is "the one in whom we live and move and have our being." He also told us of the Navajo concept of Nilche' the Divine Wind that surrounds us as well as is in us. The wind without is connected as the wind within. The wind is invisible but leaves spiral traces all over, including our own bodies: tips of fingers and toes, ears (where the children of the wind speak to us as thoughts), and the brain itself.

All of this talk of connection prompted me to rescue the most recent material that I have been working with as part of my order of druids (OBOD). A few years ago they revised the course and also created an audio version to honor the oral natural of the Celtic tradition. It will be good to warm the embers of that fire.

The other side of the spiral brought a wonderful workshop and lecture from Father Meninger on the practice of the contemplative life. He illuminated thoughts from the Cloud of Unknowing, from Julian of Norwich, and other medieval gems of mysticism brought back to light and practice in the past sixty years or so. A deep well from which to nourish the church and all those working towards the kingdom.

As Christianity spread in Britain and Ireland, plenty of Druids became Monks, imparting Celtic Christianity and Anglicanism its distinct cultural flavor. This blending of the natural and the spiritual (as if those are separate anyway) is a rich tradition with a long history. Navigating my place in the flow of those spirals is a pleasure.

May be blessings of the King of the Elements be with you this night!

Good News People

So the new Diocesan Academy for Formation and Mission is well and truly off and running. I had thought to post some themes from our first weekend together, but for now I am going to let that gather some steam and put something different, though not altogether unrelated, on the table. This evening I picked up a half read report from the Church of England on the the work of Diocesan Evangelists. This role is definitely evolving but may become ever more useful as the Church and the World change. The term and the role have some heavy baggage and an inconsistency of example that makes it difficult to recognize. So appropriately enough, this report is called "Good News People: Recognizing Diocesan Evangelists" from Church House Publishing in 1999. Their findings are compelling:

We therefore came to understand the word 'evangelist' as describing someone, man or woman, lay or ordained:
*who goes where the church is not;
*who proclaims and lives the gospel: the way in which this 'proclamation' takes place is essentially contextual, and is by no means limited to preaching or even to verbal communication;
*who interprets the Church to the world and the world to the Church;
*who comes from the centre of the Church and feeds from its riches and is accountable to it as well as challenging it;
*who encourages the whole Church in its work of evangelism, not least by communicating the gospel to those inside as well as outside the Church.

In many ways, this is what I feel called to do, despite the fact it seems like the exact opposite of the natural inclinations of my personality. The life of a monastic does feel like my natural inclination. However, when I met with the abbot of my Benedictine community to discuss some of the possibilities surrounding my call and the education I was hoping to undertake (this was about two or three months before the plan for the Academy blessedly reached me: Good News indeed), she said that what she was hearing was a more active and world engaged life than is possible in the cloister.

We shall see. For now, the end of another day. Amen.

Shaking the Subjunctive

So. Though the new diocesan Academy for Formation and Mission's grand opening is a week from today, we had a bit of a soft opening last night at the home of our new professor. The Dean and Chaplain were on hand to lend their guidance as well. There are a whirlwind of possibilities that remain to be incarnated in our experience and practice, but we are indeed off and running.

The revised syllabus arrived today. There are three main assignments or points to consider at present. The homework itself is the first part of our text and the Book of Acts with a reflection paper. We are also working to consider how to be a praying community together in the time between our intensive weekends. The Dean warned us not to think of this as something that happens every two weeks, but that it is something that is a part of our lives every day. The Dean, another of the students and myself are all part of my Benedictine community. From what I know of the other members of our new academy community, they also are not strangers to fostering bonds of study, prayer, and community while balancing daily concerns. It is still slightly in the future, but I believe we will live into something life giving both to ourselves but also as a source of strength and inspiration that can be channelled into the situation of our lives and ministry.

The third item is to carefully consider the syllabus and to raise any questions and concerns before our first official meeting. In the words of our professor, It is to become a covenant between us and that bears dialog prior to accepting that responsibility. I find myself with one concern. It reads in part, particularly as concerning our research paper, as if we already know where we will end up. In fact the core of the research paper assignment is to delve into sources for the order of ministry to which we are called. Yikes. That is at least half of why I am here: to find the answer to that question. Which order of ministry (lay, deacon, or priest) best enables me "to do the work you have given us to do" (as we pray each week in the postcommunion prayer)?

I started writing this post as a way to get out all the things that I did not want to include in my official response. Because all I could think about were the myriad forms a life in ministry could take. I was hoping to avoid putting all that on the table as part of what my professor had to wade through to understand my concern. However, it looks like even the blog will be spared that morass of subjunctivity. A few sentences from the above paragraph, but a little bit of background concerning my understanding of how discernment was to be part of the work of the Academy. While this is definitely true in terms of as a proving ground, i.e. whether postulants go on to be candidates; I believe the Academy can be a powerful in moving Aspirants to their next stage of formation whether to a Postulant for Holy Orders or some other form of ministry. We would not part of this developing community if we were not apiring to something.

Once again this sounding board has done me a great service just by providing space to type and collect.

Blessings to the ethers of the internet and upon any who happen upon these words. May we all find our place in God's kingdom for there is work enough for us all to do. Amen.

A friend among the Alexandrian Catechists

A nice feature of summer reading is that it seems to veer off the usual paths and scope out some new directions. I found some enjoyable novels but also in the later part of the season have returned a bit to some more esoteric writings. I have unanswered questions in that domain as to how it may be a part of my future. It is a deep well in my spirituality that cannot be shut off without doing violence to my spiritual path. Looking at it from an anglican three legged stool perspective, I have far too much contact with the scripture, tradition and reason/experience of Hermeticism for it to vaporize. It is part of who I am and it is part of my path to God. The best I or any of us can do is to give that path to God to do with it what he wills. We can trust that whatever that it is, it will be its Summum Bonum, its Highest Good.

So before the Academy begins in the Fall (actually the first gathering is next week!), I wanted to look at some old material & and see what new material may be about. As with other areas of spirituality and life in general, there are some very emergent happenings in these communities. In addition to a renewal within the Rosicrucian Order, the Institute of Noetic Science is becoming more and more active. I also found a system called New Hermetics meant to combine the best of magical practice with advances we have had in psychology and the workings of the mind, while letting go of some of the complicated metaphors from earlier paradigms. It seems to be watering some dry Hermetic patches in my brain. It is helping to complete some links and flesh out some of my Kabbalistic knowledge in a way that feels like it will stay with me.

And yet none of this deters me from the fact that my true will (to invoke Thelema which is another whole kettle of fish indeed) is to study, pray, work, and rest within a Christian Context. These past three years have brought possibilities to the fore, like nothing that happened in the decade prior. And yet, as I keep saying in different ways, I know that God will use it all.

Along those lines I found a comrade spirit among the early theologians of the Church. His family's Christianity and his education in secular philosophy (Greek & Egyptian the blend of which would later be foundational to Hermeticism) combined to shape his contribution to the church.

In the article on Origen in the Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy, I found:

He became interested in Greek philosophy quite early in his life, studying for a while under Ammonius Saccas (the teacher of Plotinus) and amassing a large collection of philosophical texts. It is probably around this time that he began composing On First Principles. However, as he became ever more devoted to the Christian faith, he sold his library, abandoning, for a time, any contact with pagan Greek wisdom, though he would eventually return to secular studies (Greek philosophy), from which he derived no small measure of inspiration, as Porphyry (recorded in Eusebius) makes quite clear, as he continued with his ever more sophisticated elucidation of biblical texts.

Origen struggled with where his focus should be, but followed his inspriations and God used it all. I will continue to pray that he does the same for all of us.

Make No Small Plans

While browsing at Powell's, this quote popped out at me as something I needed to hear:

Make no small plans. Thay have no magic to stir humanity's blood and probably themselves will not be realized. Make big plans; aim high in hope and work... Remember that our sons and daughters are going to do things that will stagger us. Let your watchword be order and your beacon, beauty. Think big.

- Daniel Burnham (renowned architect of the 19th and 20th Centuries)

This is now a couple days later. The seed of this post lives in my twitterstream as: "A whisper: remain open." While I am being called to focus as plans come together for the fall, I need to remember that this is only the beginning of my discernment process. While it is good to avoid extra bagage, projects, and false requirements; it is also good to leave the mind and heart open to big dreams and possibilities, for those which are too small lack the magic to inspire realization. Yet another tasty tension which calls me one more step forward.

Knocking on the Academy's Door

This fall the Diocese is holding the first class of a new local initiative. It is the Academy for Formation and Mission and will be used to provide training to potential Deacons and Priests as well as lay people. This blog has already done me an incredible service by serving as a place to work our ideas and statements that needed to be included on my application essay. This essay is below and though it is really a condensation of things previously posted I include because of the sheer amount that it reveals about me in so short a space (I was limited to one page).

Thank you.

Timothy/Kevin

*****


In 2008, I was confirmed at Trinity Cathedral and entered its Cornerstone Benedictine Community. Both of these events are quite important to me as I now consider my primary spiritual identity as a Benedictine in the Anglican Tradition. In many ways I feel that I have been welcomed home to a place where I can share my whole spiritual journey and join in those of others without being fragmented. Just after my college years, I definitively left the Presbyterian Church after a moratorium on discussion regarding the ministry of gays and lesbians was imposed. I knew that I did not have a place there. My spiritual pursuits had already broadened into less orthodox areas. While retaining the core of my Christianity I explored Rosicrucian mysticism, Kabbalah, and Druidry. For about 15 years, I focused considerable energy into these paths. In 2007, I came to a bit of a crisis point with my mystical studies. I was leading a group in Seattle that was collapsing due to shrinking attendance and facilities issues while my own sense of the numinous all but extinguished. I was to attend a worldwide conference of the Order in Berlin, the week after I resigned my position heading the lodge in Seattle. I knew that I was still called to Berlin but that I needed to let the conference go. It was an excellent time for reflection in a brand new environment. I found myself repeatedly drawn to churches. Upon my return, I became very ill which brought me even further to a halt and a point from which to reflect. There too I found Christian influence. A close friend offered a laying on of hands while I was staying in the hospital. That was probably the first prayer in Jesus name in which I participated for some time (though I had actually attended Trinity regularly for about a year in 2003). This prayer was an axis upon which I turned. I realized two things in that place of non-movement: the need for community and a call back to the church. Slow and steady steps led me to the two events I mentioned at the outset.
All of the bits and pieces, threads and links above contribute to what I hope for in studying with the Academy and the ministry to which it can lead, whether it be lay or ordained, in an intentional community or at work in the world. Even if ordained, I know that the church has need for those of mixed vocations and varying income sources. Form is obviously undefined. That is a major reason that I wish to participate in this educational opportunity under the guidance of the diocese. I trust that the where and how to serve will become clearer in the years ahead. In my return to the church I have been particularly inspired by those working as emergents and how that may provide ways to blossom in a rapidly changing environment. I attended the two Emerging Christianity conferences sponsored by Richard Rohr’s Center. This has inspired a few adult education opportunities at Trinity last year and for the coming year. Using these new understandings, I believe that reaching out and networking to a variety of communities will become increasingly important. Given my attachment to the City of Portland (having come to attend Reed College and feeling called to stay), I hope that I might be a link of mutual understanding between the church and the gay community as well as the “spiritual but not religious.” One thing I know from my esoteric forays is that this identification covers a wide variety of very distinctive stories and religious experiences. We will need Christians who understand the paths they have walked. Priests are called to minister to the whole church and wider community, but evangelism often and effectively involves a bit of specialization. I hope that I might put mine to use in service to God and neighbor in thanksgiving for the blessing it has brought me. Many others may be waiting for an invitation to return or to find a new home.

Kevin Day (kevin7day@gmail.com)
Feast of St. Mary Magdalene 2010

Connecting with the Kingdom

My experiences at the Episcopal Village conference and in reading Dwight Friesen's "Thy Kingdom Connected" keep reverberating. I find more and more examples and experiences of network ecclesiology and missiology. Recently I've found myself connecting through all sorts of ways to Christians in other places and bringing those more distant or weak connections into my primary Christ clusters. From the says the hours with folks at Anglican Cathedral and St. Matthew's by the Sea in Second Life (an framework for creating virtual worlds), following the Presbyterian General Assembly on Twitter, Facebook friending new connections met at a face to face conference to get behind the movement to Believe Out Loud, and bringing these conversations back into my weekly benedictine group meeting. Virtual and Physical; Far and Near; New and Deepening connections: a very Mixed Economy indeed.

And all of this in the past two weeks. This seems like a holy fire worth stoking to see how it may burn bright for the kingdom.

Blessings on the summer road!

"Like"ing our way deeper into or beyond dual thinking?

Walking to work this morning, giving a thumbs up or down to the various musical selections that Pandora was making for me led me to wonder whether Facebook style "like"ing of everything under the sun was making our preference oriented world more deeply mired in our opinions.

Then a different totally unsubstantiated thought entered my head. What if by giving the little self's voice expression on any topic it desires in a socially acceptable and even entertaining way, it no longer needs to compete with our true voice. They just each are allowed to find their own level. It's no good pretending that we don't like/dislike this or that particular song or restaurant or whatever.

A side note is that on Facebook there is in fact only one button: Like. Apparently they know Thumper's mom. Pushing this button only creates connections. (However don't push my metaphor too far because as soon as you hit it that button says in a rather Newspeak sort of way: unlike; oh well, one thing at a time).

So you be the judge. Feel free to Like this theory or "don't say anything at all."

Paradigm shifting our way into the Kingdom

One of the speakers at this week's Episcopal Village - Mission West [#epvwest in twitterspeak which I just started using because of said conference] was Dwight Friesen a church planter and professor at Mars Hill Graduate School in Seattle. I actually missed a good bit of his talk but I thought I'd make up for it by picking up his book. I am so glad I did. I'm only into the second cluster of chapters but it is excellent. It is actually starting to give me a practical vision of what emergence can means for the churches. In some ways it seems to be the missing link between new theology/ecclesiology and the interesting new practices/efforts. This is focused right on the nexus between those two to show how shifts in our thinking (and the hows/whys of those shifts) can lead to what he called the "networked kingdom".

The shift that Dwight is focusing on is atomistic to networked. I think we can even broaden that scheme a bit to get a better view (this is not even a little bit of a criticism of his work, just pulling back for a different perspective, plus adding some of my own lenses on shifts and paradigms).

What if "networked church" can be for us the link between "atomistic individuals" and "shalomic kingdom". In many ways this reminds me of the old (semi-gnostic) schema for enlightenment:

Hylic to Psychic to Pneumatic

Letting go of the gnostic element by making this a corporate endeavor:

Atomistic Individuals to
Networked Church to
Shalomic Kingdom

In the book creating links is tied to getting things into the light. Moving from Hylic to Psychic is all about creating connections and shifting from dark to light. I am proposing that third layer so that the framework of the network can be filled in by the spirit this becoming "pneumatic" or soul-filled/God-filled. This is the "I am among you" element of the Kingdom. In some ways it reminds me of superconductivity. When the material is super-cooled it becomes a perfect network through which electricity flows like frictionless fluid.

I am all for the frictionless flow of peace in the kingdom.

Well. Off to Eucharist. Many blessings.

The conflicted field at the edge of mystery

I'm watching a speech given by Sister Mary Ann Scofield at the 20th Anniversary conference of Spiritual Directors International. She named something that I've experienced time and again these past few years. As people were encouraging her to coordinate a networking group for spiritual director, she admits that she felt both attraction and resistance. She recommends that when those two are experienced at the same time we are very close to the mystery. It reminds me of the consolations and desolations described by a spiritual director of Jesuit background that was one of the teachers for a class I took last year. Feeling compelled to move forward just as you are wishing you could simply flee the place and tasks ahead does indeed seem to be part of the field surrounding "the narrow gate" to which we are called.

I would run, but what would be left and where would I go? I know that I am getting closer and closer to that which seems to be real, mutual, and of genuine hope. The details and the necessary tasks can be worked through. Jesus said in many ways, that which needs to be done will be done. Just come and see, let the worriers take care of themselves.

One more step on the road.

The Church of Second Chances and Free Will

Thus was named the community created by the cathedral's Youth Affirmation class this year. Over the course of their year together the sixth graders each Pentecost unveil their vision of the church.

None of this is easy and none of this is quick, but it is good and it is real.

I've just returned home after the second brief encounter with an old friend in as many weeks. I'm happy to say that it seems he has had such an experience. it had been a long time since I'd seen him. When we had last spent much time together it was under very different circumstances. I'd known him from my days of drinking and nightclubs. At one point things had become a bit more disorganized that usual for him and he was out on the streets for awhile. I was able to provide some hospitality when he had reached a point of exhaustion and frankly was getting beaten up a bit more than I appreciated. Being closer to street kids and understanding how permeable that line can be is one of the great benefits I received from that time in my life. It is good to remember that Jesus was accused of being a drunkard carousing with tax collectors and prostitutes. That edge is an important place to be. I haven't successfully found my way back after sobering up. Perhaps it is just something to keep in mind as I move forward so that the lines do not harden between myself and my neighbors on the streets.

So perhaps five years later, rather than being on the same bar schedule as my friend, we seem to be on the same grocery shopping schedule. His son is four or five and is beautiful. He and his dad seem well matched right down to their hoodies. If I remember right, when he stayed over at my apartment and slept for about two days straight he was distraught and trying to work things out with his girlfriend. I'm pretty sure it was the beginnings of the pregnancy which led to the little boy I saw this afternoon. I'm sure both my friend and the mother where out of their minds with fear for the future. How could they possibly pull this off given the challenges they were facing? I don't know those particulars, but it looks like they've managed to keep walking that path one step at a time. It seems to me that my friend is a great example of living the benedictine vows whether he's ever heard of them or not. He has proven a stable presence for his son, he has been obedient to the needs of his relationship with the mother, and he has very obviously had a sincere conversion of life. I'm so happy that he has been blessed with a second chance and found reward in family life. Not all of my friends from the street have been so fortunate. My prayers go out to the ones still on the road and to those who have come home. Amen.

Always we begin again

Passing under a growing crescent moon in the still-light sky of the early summer on my way home from the cathedral this evening I began to feel again a sense of openness that I lost in the past week or two. Between work imbalances and perhaps prematurely thinking that I was getting close to what the future might look like, the spaciousness that was a lenten gift this year closed in a bit. Returning to the daily office yesterday, checking in with the benedictines in my small group, an education commission meeting, and a wonderful benediction written by John O'Donohue "For New Beginnings" to send us off into that still-lit evening brought it back. I knew it was there around the corner waiting for me to catch up to where it had run off.

There is yet another month on this journey of transformation that I sensed and began to sketch out last fall. There are a number of key elements and events that will close this arc and begin the next: a book reading and signing for Marcus' novel, a retreat on the coast to complete a series of classes, the Episcopal Village conference, and events to highlight and fundraise for Trinity's Center for Spiritual Development.

By that time we will have reached the solstice of summer and whole new vistas will open up. One of the gifts of Marcus' novel is a character's use of "Prayers for a Planetary Pilgrim." It arrived yesterday and looks to be a lovely reconnection to creation in the context of daily and occasional prayer; perfect for a benedictine who also happens to be a druid.

May there be space in the souls of all of us for the spirit to move and breathe. God within, God without; the light of Christ's Peace all around.

Notes from Albuquerque

So I'm back in the cafe that I mentioned in yesterday's post and am finally looking back over my notes from the Emerging conference in Albuquerque. I know there is at least one blog post hiding in there and there may be more.

...

Well I made it half way through and got to the really good stuff that started flowing on the Saturday. Richard Rohr opened up with a fresh examination of the charismatic tradition as found in the New Testament and recovering the important function of prophet in terms of the functioning of the church.

More riches to be mined out of those yellow ledger pages.

...

On the ninth day, I returned to the yellow pages and finished my first distillation into 26 themes. Granted that the details of any of the conversations, lectures and workshop make up the fabric of the experience; these themes may help remind me what I would like to share with others.

Some top highlights in future posts.

Happy Mother's Day!

My mother has often been the person keeping me from getting drastically off course. For that and for everything else I heartily thank her. Apparently one of her gifts this year, in addition to an autographed copy of Marcus Borg's new novel, is the link to this blog. I hadn't told her about it but it came up when I called just a bit ago. So...

Hi Mom!

Love,

Kev

Instantiation Journal

In September last year I started a side journal specifically to cover what I sensed would be an period of transition. In August I caught somewhat more than a glimpse of an upcoming challenge. I was at the point with my return to active Christianity that it would either stick or all fall apart. One Sunday morning I actually walked the up the middle aisle of the cathedral when everyone else was preparing to approach the table. That morning I couldn't do it. I was simply overwhelmed and was in a literal fight or flight state. There isn't anything too educational about the events of that morning or even the days leading up to it. There were some reasons that I might have been frustrated but really I had knowingly reached that threshold of in it or leave it. I was too close to what the real and that brings up a natural aversion that has to be recognized, addressed and transcended. It happens in lots of contexts. It can be particularly dramatic when it occurs in the realm of the spirit or even better when the spirit is brought to bear on the challenges of incarnated life. So that morning I got out. It was best choice at that particular moment in time. I retreated not far away to Cafe Umbria and began journaling in the notebook that I bring to classes & discussions. Not where I usually journal but it was good that I had it. I found neutral ground, neither the church nor my house, and began to deconstruct the complex pile of thoughts and emotions that I was feeling crushed by.

The result of that morning's meditations is a side journal to my usual one. I enjoy using the moleskin journals. They have nice lined pocket ones that last a good while (despite the term I don't actually journal every day, but over the years it has become an important practice to enable the thoughts, work and experience of days turn into a more lasting transformation). For particular purposes I like these thinner ones that come in packs of three. Quite nice. I even have one hidden in a library in a different work of mine with the condensed version of the manual for the order I created & nearly activated based on alchemical symbolism with a mission of reconciling the traditional opposites of the light and the dark, the left and the right. This is clearly a wholly separate story that some how snuck into this post, but that seems to be the nature of that particular order, which is probably the reason I and the others let it go without further pursuing its manifestation in the apparent world. I do get to revisit the subject of alchemy at a Rosicrucian Conference open to the public next September in Santa Fe. I shall be contented in that. Alchemy was how I came to the Order in the first place. It is a very auspicious return to the beginning for me.

So diversion aside, what I thought might be three or four months, became nine and have been cataloged in this little side journal as a way to remember as well as learn from my experiences, including the creation of this blog as way of recording but also beginning to communicate them. As an aside I realized the other day that this blog is hyper-focused on me, which I will admit is true of a lot of my life. Some reading I was doing reminded me that "humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less". I've seen this two places without attribution so I don't know where it actually originates. That make me wonder whether this blog was following a bad habit. Perhaps, but it is not meant to be a comprehensive representation of my thinking, working, or collaborating. It is essentially an electronic forum where I can perform a necessary self-examination with the possibility of witnesses. I doubt very many people will read these words, which is probably for the best, but one of the things I did at the outset of these writings is notify a handful of people that I trust of their existence. That is enough.

As a way of absorbing some of this side journal into the blog itself, I will do what I did with my primary journal, just list out the headings from the side journal. My usual one just has dates but the side one has no dates but has topic/event headings:

A beginning amidst the stormy sea of Galilee
Counsel from a visionary of Christian Existentialism
Counsel from an old ally
Return to Sabbath reading
Squaring the triangular circle
Healing Prayer (in the context of Trinity's Taize Service & Caritas Community)
A word from the Apostle
A wound from the bow of Par-Is
An echo from the Labyrinth
October: Opus Dei phase two [N.B. Opus Dei as a term for the Daily Office]
On the 40th day...
Schedule my birthday week including retreat to Trappist Monastery
Caritas convened
Class convened
Retreat among the Trappists
Compline at St. David of Wales
Healing Amidst Taize
A revisit to the emerging church
A focused Advent and a foggy Christmastide
Five actions to return to the way
Confraternity of St. Gregory's Abbey
Opus Dei Magnam Gloriam
On to Lent
Holy Week
Albuquerque #2
A lunch to bridge the conference and the diocese
Useful meetings back at home
A class retreat
Episcopal Village - Mission West

And thus I am "in a very different place by June."

A changed a couple titles for this venue as things shifted from the metaphoric to the practical towards the end. This in an of itself tells me that the journal did its work.

The one at the end which did not change is the Episcopal Village- Mission West conference which I think it really what will make that connection between my subjunctive future and my indicative present tenses. It should be excellent and hosted right here in Portland at St. David's (mentioned above as the location of Compline after my Trappist retreat). One month away. Just in case it does anyone any good I can't help but put in the link:

Episcopal Village - Mission West

And on it goes. With the sun, another little Easter.

Ok back to that traveling together thing

So I received a friendly reminder today that I can't effectively be doing this myself. There's a conference coming up next month. Following my old patterns I had been looking at it as an opportunity to get information. One of the organizers sent me a message suggesting that I aim for a team from the cathedral in order to help bring back the lessons more easily back into the parish.

Signing up for things is easy for me. Asking other to do things, less so. My natural inclination is to keep as my tasks under my personal control as possible. Luckily, my day work has involved management for three years no so delegation is becoming more natural. Somewhere between those two is actual collaboration.

Here's to hoping I can make that leap in the next five weeks. Last fall I had the impression that I would be in a very different place come June (why June, I've no idea). Perhaps so.

A story complex and intriguing

There is a thread that I'm going to acknowledge as picked up by a recently by a well known author of fiction and then hopefully let it go. I'd like this blog to concentrate on "the gathering center" as called by Phyllis Tickle rather then the possibly good but distracting circumference that Richard Rohr warns against in Everything Belongs.

Phillip Pullman, famous for the trilogy His Dark Materials beginning with The Golden Compass, has very recently released a book called The Good Man Jesus and The Scoundrel Christ. It is a fascinating story that could prompt readers to very important questions about the past, present, and future of the church as well the radical nature of what Jesus was bringing to us.

It picks up a very neglected piece of the Christian story: the challenge of the Shadow of the mission. It does so by by weaving the pieces that we know and possibilities of what I like to think of as the back stitching of the story. In needlework there are a lot of interesting things going on the other side of the fabric. Those odd crossings and resurfacings are what makes the image on the front possible.

Hopefully now that a version of this highly heretical story, and that's all it needs to be: a story, is out there in the public forum I can stop worrying about finding a way to tell it.

Next stop: back to the river. Now that I've readjusted to being back for a bit, I can review my notes and bring out some of the gifts from the Albuquerque conference.

Blessings.

Called out by The Cloud

After my trip, I am working on getting back to my daily and other reading habits. One of the books that I am steadily working with is "The Cloud of Unknowing". I just stumbled onto a passage that really diagnoses the type of experience that I described a couple posts back when I talked of repenting from a gnostic error. The author of The Cloud in Chapter 4 talks about two primary faculties: Knowing and Loving. They say that God cannot be known through the first but is entirely known through the second. If we were speaking Spanish I would hazard to guess that the first "know" is saber and the second is conocer. God cannot be grasped as a fact, but can be beheld as a person.

Though it probably violates the admonitions put forth in the very beginning of The Cloud, I'd like to post the primary paragraph that resonated with a stretch of years in my past. It has some very profound things to say about that attempt and its dangers:

A person hearing this book read or quoted may misunderstand my point. I'm not saying that if a person thinks hard enough, he or she will succeed in the work of contemplation. I do not want people sitting around analyzing, racking their brains, their curiosity forcing their imagination to go entirely the wrong way. It's not natural. It's not wise for the mind, and it's not healthy for the body. These people are dangerously deluded, and it would take a miracle to save them God in his infinite goodness and mercy would have to intervene, making these people stop such a wrong-minded approach and seek the counsel of experienced contemplatives; otherwise, such erring souls could succumb to madness, frenzied fits, or the devil's lies, which lead to the profound misery of sin and eventually to the loss of body and soul, for all eternity.

I can definitely say that the author is right. In the ten years between 1997 and 2007, I experienced all of the pitfalls mentioned, not as the only feature of my life, but certainly in large events and large swathes of time. When pushed to my limit, I looked to God in the small hours and said in great distress, "I do not understand". There is no worse feeling on the gnostic quest when knowledge and understanding are the keys to the imagined life that "should" be.

However, I was not permanently lost. God did indeed intervene, slow things down, and break me out of my pattern. I did indeed seek the counsel of experienced contemplative. The cathedral community and its various ministries is full of vital and experienced contemplatives.

My descent into Egypt is not a new challenge nor one that I have faced which others have not. I pray that they may be delivered from the pain of having to figure it all out. For those that can turn back and choose love which transcends and includes knowledge that they may gain as much as I did from my wanderings among the rocky paths.

Perfect love cast out all fear, including the fear of unknowing.

Two stray thoughts and a poem

Serendipitous Idea of the Day (actually last Friday) Number 1

Quantum mechanical theory of the afterlife:  dead people are waves, incarnated people are particles.  The contemplative mind can help us particles remember that we too are the waves. 

Serendipitous Idea of the Day Number 2

In healthy situations, children are not load bearing members of society, but rather are freely contained within the structure provided by adults.  Since we are advised that unless be become like a child we will be unable to enter the kingdom of God, perhaps that kingdom is an entire society without any load bearing members.  What a relief indeed that would be.  That to me is an idea worthy to be called Heaven.
 
However before we go to far towards fanaticizing about not having any responsibilities, it would be good to remind ourselves of the seriousness of play and the concepts of “work without effort” as discussed in the first letter of “Meditations on the Tarot”.  Cynthia Bourgeault, wisdom teacher par excellence and one of our speakers in Albuquerque, calls that book the Bible of the Christian Hermetic tradition.  I first read it in college on the recommendation of my Martinist brothers and sisters.  Rumor has it there is a photo of John Paul II at his desk with a copy of the original French edition on top of a stack of books.  When I picked it up again recently, I was surprised to see that the reviewers were Basil Pennington and Thomas Keating.  Certainly not New Agers.  I’m sure I didn’t know who they were at the time.  It is quite interesting how that book holds together just the threads that I’m working on reintegrating right now.  This is unlikely to be the last time I mention it. 
 
How’s this for an interesting perspective (from the book that triggered this thought in the first place:  “The Sacred Journey” by Charles Foster, the eighth and final volume of The Ancient Practices Series edited by Phyllis Tickle, who spoke on the Great Emegence both in Albuquerque last year and just a few weeks ago in Texas at the Episcopal Church’s Bishop’s Retreat):
 
“The child, too, has a real relationship with time, undistorted by the accelerating effect of deadlines and airplanes, the decelerating effect of boredom, or the artificial punctuation of alarms.”

A society where everyone works without effort with the wonder and openness of children; seems like a reasonable goal and perhaps something attainable enough to truly be called “at hand”.  Plus is resonantes with our true role as children of God. God is the adult which provides the containing structure in which we "live and move and have our being".


Poem from a point of return

Already here.
Never so far away
as when we forget
that one all encompassing fact.

Already here.
Already here.

Take off your shoes
for this is holy ground.

Back on the river

So I'm back from the conference and back online. Happy about both. The conference will take a bit more processing before it turns into any postings. It was excellent and very helpful. We really shifted gears this year. The speakers harmonized a bit more deeply and looked carefully at how the contemplative mind will help us stay in this transitional space and open up future possibilities.

Last year, I did not have the confidence to talk to nearly as many people as I did this time. Also it wore me out pretty thoroughly. I picked up Richard Rohr's "Everything Belongs". Last year I think I was making a mistake he mentions in that book: I was "pushing the river". The important thing is to realize that we're already in the river and to let us take us. Our old friend: surrender.

To completely mix metaphors: It is great to be back on solid ground. This spring has been quite an initiation for me.

Light and Peace this night.

Holy Week trumps technology

On the Monday of Holy Week my laptop decided to throw in the towel, probably out of spite since I'd decided to replace it next year rather than this year. Between Holy Week liturgies, the Apple Store being preoccupied with the iPad release and my trip to New Mexico, immediate fixes were not in store for me.

At the moment I'm awaiting departure to Albuquerque and couldn't resist a kiosk to connect in my few minutes of downtime.

Very much looking to new experiences and conversations as well as heightened computing power when I return :)

For now this monk is taking a short sojourn into the wider world.

A blessed Eastertide to you!

Called back to the desert

Two weeks from now, during the Octave of Easter, I will be back in Albuquerque for the second Emerging Christianity conference hosted by the Center for Action and Contemplation. Though I really enjoyed last years conference, I was not sure that I would return. However as soon as I saw the line up of speakers, I knew that I was called back. And really just as of the last day or so has it felt close enough to picture. Part of that may be due to news I've gathered through Facebook concerning the presentation of concepts and stories from the emerging front to the House of Bishop of the Episcopal Church at their annual retreat. There were a number of speakers brought in for that occasion including three with whom I am particularly familiar: Karen Ward (Church of the Apostles in Seattle), Diana Butler Bass and Phyllis Tickle. Karen is heading up things emerging for her diocese (our neighbors to the north) and seems to be spearheading the Episcopal Village initiative. I was lucky enough to visit her community back in December for a conversation concerning new and traditional monasticism for the 21st century. Truly an amazing ministry and witness. Diana will be speaking at this year's conference in Albuquerque, while Phyllis was a speaker last year. Brian McLaren and Phyllis are advising Episcopal Village as well. All of this truly seems to be combining to make this the "Episcopal Moment" that Brian, Karen, and others are calling it. In Brian's foreword to a document behind (or at least running parallel) to Episcopal Village (www.episcopalvillage.org BTW), he mentions that in this instance, rather than hindering us, our hierarchical structure could help us to become responsive change agents within the wider church. We have recently seen just that sort of possibility take hold within the Rosicrucian Order. I know that it could work here as well. The presentations to the House of Bishops this week will go far towards making that possible. I'm so excited for our new bishop to be on the scene. He is actually going to be consecrated the same weekend I am away and seated at the cathedral (my parish church) on the Octave itself. So many new possibilities are afoot. I entered Lent as a period of discernment with a priest and my abbot to consider next steps for formation and ministry and have been caught up in a wonderful rising tide of possibility.

Onward to Jerusalem! Palm Sunday approaches with its double edged sword of joy and challenge. May we all rise to the kingdom possibilities it raises.

A shout out to the Rosicrucians

These past nine days have really made a huge difference in where I am at and the perspective that I have on my life at the moment. Though there were events and discussions out in the real world that were part of it, a lot of it has to do with being able to use this blog as a workspace to explore long standing issues and confusions.

Over the weekend a shift occurred that I did not expect to see for five to ten years. It started by following up on an email from my best friend in the Order and one from headquarters giving the figures regarding a revitalization among the membership and new applications [47% increase in number of active members during 2009]. My friend confirmed those numbers on the ground. Our local group that has been just holding on for years has doubled in size in the past two months.

This is really the fruit of a long process. We have held jurisdiction wide visioning sessions for about a decade. That culminated in a Vision Plan released by the leadership team about a year ago. When I saw it I could hardly believe the proposed changes. It was the Rosicrucian equivalent of the Mission Shaped Church report (from the CofE). Emerging Rosicrucianism has apparently hit the scene along with other cultural changes that are part of Phyllis Tickle’s “Great Emergence” as the wider phenomenon of which Emerging Christianity is a part.

When I saw the Vision Plan last year, I noted the potential but knew that I couldn't just run right back. I did however mention it to a priest with whom I attended the Emerging Church conference last year in Albuquerque (only a few weeks away from the second one, yeah!). We noted the large scale qualities of this shift.

With confirmation that things actually have made a difference, I was immediately drawn to reconnect. Though I have been away from my local Rosicrucian group for about two years, my dues actually only lapsed nine months ago. My lessons, notes, etc. have only been boxed up for about six months. Perhaps that was just enough time to have successfully let go so that I could return freely later. I read something the other day that said “There is a big difference between still believing in something and believing in something again.” I think I needed to be able to switch from one mode to the other.

So the end result is that I have reconnected with my friend, reactivated my membership, and even exchanged short but joyful emails with the Grand Master. Hearing from her was like reconciling with an old friend. She and I never had any personal trouble (in fact in years past she was very kind to my father), but she represented a whole structure that I had thought I needed to leave behind. I truly did not realize how much quiet pain remained by being estranged from the Order which since high school has trained, encouraged, and supported me.

If I can move forward toward reintegrating both my Christian and Hermetic sides that would be truly amazing.

Funny story about the Corpus Hermeticum to wrap this up: When the early Muslims were coming through what is now Turkey, they encountered the Sabeans. Looking for the third option beyond convert or die, they said that they too were a people of the book. When challenged, they ran and got a copy of the Corpus Hermeticum and said, “This, this is our book”. So for somewhere on the order of 1200 years, Hermeticists have been the “fourth people of the book”. Funny how things work out sometimes.

Fourth time's the charm?

This moment represents the fourth time I've tried to gain traction with the whole "change the world" business. However, it may also represent a fundamentally different approach that arose naturally out of community. The unsuccessful pattern that I have exhibited three times, runs like this: I write a book; within a year by seeking to apply my new principles, I push myself way too far and have a manic episode, my plans fail, I crash (but usually not too hard), then I spend years building up steam to do it again. I've written these books of various types at ages 16, 20, and 28. Said manic episodes occurred at 17, 21, and 29. The only time I fully left consensual reality behind me was that middle one which is likely why it took eight years instead of four for the cycle to kick back on. This past December I felt just the slightest twinge of mania. Too put it bluntly, it freaked me the hell out. The primary difference between those with bipolar disorder and those without it are that our brains lack some of the safety features usually installed as standard issue. We can push ourselves down a path vastly farther than is safe long after healthy people's system would simply have pulled the plug. A simple example is sleep. When I took my leap off the deep end and was hospitalized during that middle episode, I had been awake for almost a week (ironically except the night before I was brought to triage by my friends). Once hospitalized and even with all the drugs, I was awake two more nights. I only found peace and slept once they locked me in isolation (and FYI when they do that they try and be nice and leave the door open etc. which completely defeats the purpose of being there). My brain was on sensory overload until they simply sealed my whole body in a contained space. Then I could heal.

So now that you know way more about my mental health history than you bargained for, how is this time different? The key features of my failed attempts are: inspiration in isolation, seeking personal power, codifying a personal system of beliefs or insights, being willing to risk daily life for the possibilities I perceived. My reaction to that twinge in December was to do the mental equivalent of driving my mind into a snow bank. Too prevent losing control on the ice, I took a lower level disaster. As such I experienced a depression unlike any that I've experienced since I've been successfully medicated (keep in mind that covers 15 years so I was a bit surprised at its depth). However unpleasant that might have been, it was far less dangerous than the alternative. Granted, the goal is to keep from hitting either of those pylons, but we do the best we can. In case numbers matter to any of you as they sometimes do to me, I just turned 35 before said twinge. The distance between now and the third episode is an average of the other two intervals.

The features of this new attempt, which may make all the difference are: inspiration in community, seeking to serve, reading rather than writing, and understanding that the only way to get where I'd like to go is in balance with mundane requirements. There is an African aphorism that has shown up in at least three places in my reading during the past two weeks. It goes:

If you want to travel quickly, go alone;
If you want to travel far, go together.

I'm done traveling quickly. I'm ready to travel together.

May this day bring you many blessings.

The metanoia of a loyal heretic

Keeping in mind that a heretic is not just someone who believes in something false, but rather someone who places more importance on a possible slice of the truth over truth as a whole, their community, and God. All three of these point to something whole, something healed, something saved (each of those words have linguistic ties to each other among various languages).

I've been thinking a lot of my turning back from a gnostic error three years ago. This is not to say that gnosis is not both good and important; however, as I wrote on the title page of a journal a couple years ago, "it is not the secrets which save us." I'm currently reading Tom Wright's commentary on Paul's First Letter to Timothy (which I didn't even connect to the name under which I'm writing this blog until this very second oddly enough). Part of Tom's response to the last chapter yield this paragraph:

The contemporary Western world has seen the rise of new forms of 'gnosticism'. Many people today long to believe that they possess a hidden identity, long covered up by their outward body and circumstances. Many then believe that true life consists in being true to this hidden identity at all costs. Some even try to make out that this is Christian teaching. It wasn't, and it isn't. Jesus calls us now, as he called his first followers, to accept his offer of new life, not to discover a secret one we already have. To put it another way, he calls us to 'find our lives by losing them'. And the life that we find will be the resurrection life in God's newly recreated world.

Three summers ago I lost my life in this way. Over the course of two weeks in August 2007 I did the following things:

Resigned a post as master of a lodge (in a christian kabalistic tradition) in Seattle.

Experienced the onset of an appendicitis, only to have it seem to go away and thus not actually be said appendicitis. This was the very weekend that I stopped taking the calls of my provincial master who I felt had painted me into an administrative corner as we were trying to save our lodge from dwindling numbers and facilities problems (if you happen to be consulted do _not_ build a flat roof in Seattle).

Got on a plane to Berlin in order to go to an international conference that I now knew I wouldn't be attending (those who were convening are wonderful people who benefit the world in countless unknown ways; the sin of my error was mine and not theirs).

Enjoyed an eye opening pilgrimage in an amazing city, noticing the presence of my brothers and sisters of the order, silently blessing them and keeping to myself.

Wrote for three hours at Cafe Roxy in Sudstern to the Grand Master to take care of said resignation and the loose ends involved. Ironically enough this cafe is two blocks from the Papal Nuncio's residence.

Followed my attraction to churches, particularly the Marienkirk in the north eastern part of the city, where I purchased a little icon and lit a candle to support the work of my brethren.

Got back on a plane to Oregon only to have the pain return on the last leg of my journey.

Within a couple days of landing I was in an ambulance to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy as it turns out I carried an encysted ruptured appendix half way around the world and back and was still in good enough shape to get myself onto the operating table. I kept hearing nurses whisper things like, "He's just walking around!"

The morning after my surgery, my entire family (who are usually one state away) got on a plane bound for Rome. That just happened to be the summer of European vacations.

Lying in the hospital bed I was visited by my boss and a colleague from work but more importantly two others who are the only two friends I really felt I had left at that point. It was then that I realized how much my world had shrunk (for reasons other that this current chain of events). One of those two friends is, well there's really no other way to say this properly, a brilliant and talented sorcerer. However, he was raised as a Mormon, and as anyone can tell you, when the shit really hits the fan we will always go running back to the religious understandings of our childhood. With those two friends and me as the third, there was an honest to goodness laying on of hands and prayers for healing in the name of Jesus, which though a scandal to none of us was remarkable none the less just for the fact that it occurred.

I got better. I slowly and respectfully divested myself of responsibilities within the order while at the same time slowly and respectfully reinvesting myself in the church. Somehow from the moment of my return I knew my priorities had changed because that same month I began setting aside money from every paycheck specifically for divinity school.

That was most certainly a dying to my prior self understanding, and but for the grace of God, would have been my actual physical death as well.


Someone else who made a very similar error and someone who I've felt a kinship towards for most of my life is Judas. He made a mistake. He thought he was doing what was necessary. He was wrong and because of it he watched the person he loved most in the world be brutally killed. More than that, because of his error he lost the only people who could have sustained him in a crisis like that. However, Jesus forgave him before it even happened. Back in 2006 I followed the Gospel of Judas story very closely. I even gave a presentation on the topic. More bizarre is the fact that the symbol from the codex (a hybrid of a Maltese cross and an ankh) which is embossed on the covers of the first two official National Geographic books was a symbol that I had been using as a personal talisman for two years before those books were published. No idea what that means, but it is indeed the case. That gospel follows the trajectory as if Judas had been right. Personally I think he understood what he had done just when it was too late.

Last year on Good Friday our bishop preached an amazing sermon on related lines of thinking. It was during that service where the loud thought ringing in my head was, "Judas was wrong and Judas was sorry". The bishop had a cute story about Judas approaching Jesus while he was hanging on the cross to ask for forgiveness. Jesus, ever compassionate, looks down at his friend and says, "Judas, Judas, you don't look so good. Tell me what's wrong." He's always calling us home. We've never gotten too far to reach.

Amen.

A corollary

A follow up perspective to my last post:

If we are to transform society, the vast majority of us will have to remain functioning in it, in the worlds of science, art, education, business, and everything else. Today I attended a meeting of the advisory board at the state government related to my field of secular work. It completely revitalized my outlook in that area of life, which had been getting pretty thin and under watered in the past few months. Despite his nearly abusive theology in many other areas, I can give Josemaria Escriva full credit for one insight: your primary mission field is wherever you happen to be right now.

And with that, to all a good night.

To be or not to be... a cleric that is

I have just come up with the clearest statement of why I should not be pursuing ordination that I have managed to think to date.

Setting aside for a moment that due to the sometimes inconsistent way our government deals with clergy [think in particular of the fact that clergy are agents of the state when they officiate weddings], I have legally been a member of the clergy since December 2003. According to canon law of the church into which I have since been confirmed, that does not much matter anymore ;-)

The statement itself comes from a renewed understanding of the importance of the ministry of all Baptised Christians. Last year I attended a day long workshop sponsored by my diocese and keynoted by the presiding bishop. It really freed up my thinking in this area.

So without further ado:

If this shift is going to work, some of us who certainly would have sought ordination in decades past need to remain among the laity. That is a significant element in the strategy to balance out issues of clericalism.

I may or may not personally be among the "some of us", but it certainly bears deep consideration.

Deep peace of the morning to you.

Two dreams from the past to seed the possible

First a block of text that is important enough to me to have been repasted and emailed and scrapbooked in a number of electronic formats over the years. It contains a record of an experience that will never leave me and a good word as it were that continues to give me hope. Clearly I've changed idiom somewhat in the intervening years since letting go of primarily relating through the universe through magick and with additional distance from my education in physics. Still the heart of it weaves through everything of me.

"At 4:13 PM on Monday June 2, 2003, I awoke from a dream which showed me the extent of the possibilities of life. At 4:18 I rose and began writing this journal, or at least this entry which may become a journal should that be necessary. The world I dreamed of was our own but it was realized in a very different way than usual. It was in fact the world where I was completely awake. I traveled on the threads of the life I lead in the dream which is in its details in all likelihood different from the one I am actually to lead. But it wasn’t the details which were prophetic, it was the process. Though I felt perfectly at center I knew that events, people, places, etc. were all in a constant swirl around me. The path of my life navigated space-time but was like a vibrating oscillator with nodes certainly of great importance, though each not weighted alike. I cannot even guarantee that either endpoint was fixed nor the line integral of my life constant, in fact I think those like basically all else in the universe could be changed if the proper energy were imparted over the right time. I was not a messiah in this life for lining up every tumbler to unlock every lock. I was still just me, one among many others, all creating our lives around us to a greater or lesser degree, though I did surprise more than a few people whose lives I crossed. The way the voice of the master within put it as I was preparing to rise from bed, something that resembled, 'This will not be the most important (meaning noticed) life on the planet, but it will be the life that will make you happy.' I’m not sure there is a practical lesson to take away here as this was really a demonstration of principles that I already theorized, but I expect the emotional impact will be very strong and this energy is essentially what drives the magickal techniques or forces involved. I may or may not at some point describe the manifestations and realizations of destiny which are possible and which I lived in my dream. They are difficult to verbalize and really do seem to function in a vector space of many dimensions: a vast system of equations which have their solution only in the sum total of the possibilities of existence."

A slice from another dream has eerie resonances with New Monasticism, which was in another world from the one I was in; despite the heavy Christian imagery of the gnosticism I called home at the time. This paragraph follows one in which I discuss religion as my calling and consider whether making a living should be at all related:

"There were several people that I was interacting with on many levels. The living situation seemed different. More involved. Paths to employment were not left out of the dream. Securing a source of income seemed to be high on the list of priorities. It also seemed to be parsed out and not only on me. I seemed to be connected in to a network of individuals that was getting things done."

Quite surprising to say the least when I found that tidbit while I looked for the other which was my intended post.

It is good to dream dreams.

Many blessings on this night.

Tentmaking and the modern interpretation of career and work

The primary tension in my adult life has been the struggle between my passion for philosophy and religion and the practicalities of making one's way in the world. Setting aside some huge pieces of the puzzle for a moment, I've been struck by a series of "What if...?" questions that may become important to where I go from here.

What if career and work did not define us? What if the place of work within the Rule of St. Benedict were allowed to soften the monument that it has become in the dominant culture? What if people did any number of things as their work without worrying about whether it constituted a career that they would wish on themselves? What if that work paid well enough and created an economy full of enough goods and services that we could actually have enough to qualify as our "daily bread"? What if this economy left us with enough time, energy, and spirit to pursue our other interests without worrying about which was hobby and which was legitimate work? What if this freedom to explore actually increased the number of activities that could become our work and contribute to this economy of sufficiency and deep fulfillment?

I think this might be the kind of economy that Shane Claiborne has in mind when calling up the aphorism, "In the Kingdom of God, capitalism will not be possible and communism will not be necessary". A different set of choices is possible and may be just around the bend for increasing numbers of people. I'm very much looking forward to reading Jim Wallis' "Rediscovering Values" to see if any of this finds resonance there.

It is good to keep in mind that tentmaking as a way to describe Christians (usually applied to leaders; but should really be applied to most everybody) who self fund their religious callings comes from Paul's trade making tents. It is important to realize that Paul simply made some tents, sold them and kept his focus on his mission. He was wasn't climbing the corporate ladder of the Mediterranean Division of a multinational corporation called Tents R Us. He did his work and it helped keep his calling engaged.

I'm sure I'm going to be back to this a number of times before I strike anything remotely looking like balance.

Community within the Nicene Creed

This blog is born out of an impression I received while reciting the Nicene Creed at this morning's Eucharist on the Fourth Sunday of Lent 2010. How this impression and blogging are related remains to be seen, but for someone who gave up contributing to the web when we stopped writing HTML by hand somehow they do.

After a suitably heart softening sermon on the plight of the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son (and not just warming but actually gently massaging old resistances), we recited the Nicene Creed as is customary. Though it is far less of a stumbling block for me than for many called to Jesus but less sure about institutional Christianity, I still have viewed it as the result of an interesting theological struggle in the early church resulting in poetic propositions concerning the nature of the Trinity. I viewed it as primarily propositional rather than relational and more about Jesus than of Jesus.

Today something shifted just enough to let me see another aspect. In addition to the Christian community that produced the creed and the community over time that has recited the creed, there is a biblical community within the creed itself. The two lines:

"By the power of the Holy Spirit
He became incarnate from the Virgin Mary"

reminded me of the actual interactive seen of the Annunciation and Mary's participation in Jesus ministry from conception to cross and beyond.

All of the people and confusion of the night he was arrested is captured by the line about being crucified by Pilate. The contention with authorities and all the activities of holy week are hung from that cross.

The burial recalls Joseph of Arimathea and Nicodemos, Jesus two followers among the Pharisees themselves.

The resurrection on the third day brings to mind all the activity in the garden, Mary Magdalen and even the footrace between Peter and the Beloved Disciple.

The Ascencion which Luke loved so well he used it to finish his Gospel and to start Acts even though 40 days separated the two versions of the event ties together dozens and perhaps hundreds of disciples and future followers of The Way.

Add to this the "creator of heaven and earth" recalling the Genesis stories leading into the blessing of Abraham and his family to bless the nations and the Holy Spirit "the Lord, the giver of life" whose inspirations shown through the prophets and connected the voice of God to communities over thousands of years now, and we really begin to have something.

Far from being just a cold list of theological propositions, the Nicene Creed is a litany of places where God and humanity have encountered one another, especially in Jesus which this council declared was fully human and fully divine. Remembering that during this same council St. Athanasius wrote that he became like us so that we might become like him and we have quite a cloud of witnesses indeed.

Blessings on this day set aside for a lightening of the Lenten journey.