Fourth time's the charm?

This moment represents the fourth time I've tried to gain traction with the whole "change the world" business. However, it may also represent a fundamentally different approach that arose naturally out of community. The unsuccessful pattern that I have exhibited three times, runs like this: I write a book; within a year by seeking to apply my new principles, I push myself way too far and have a manic episode, my plans fail, I crash (but usually not too hard), then I spend years building up steam to do it again. I've written these books of various types at ages 16, 20, and 28. Said manic episodes occurred at 17, 21, and 29. The only time I fully left consensual reality behind me was that middle one which is likely why it took eight years instead of four for the cycle to kick back on. This past December I felt just the slightest twinge of mania. Too put it bluntly, it freaked me the hell out. The primary difference between those with bipolar disorder and those without it are that our brains lack some of the safety features usually installed as standard issue. We can push ourselves down a path vastly farther than is safe long after healthy people's system would simply have pulled the plug. A simple example is sleep. When I took my leap off the deep end and was hospitalized during that middle episode, I had been awake for almost a week (ironically except the night before I was brought to triage by my friends). Once hospitalized and even with all the drugs, I was awake two more nights. I only found peace and slept once they locked me in isolation (and FYI when they do that they try and be nice and leave the door open etc. which completely defeats the purpose of being there). My brain was on sensory overload until they simply sealed my whole body in a contained space. Then I could heal.

So now that you know way more about my mental health history than you bargained for, how is this time different? The key features of my failed attempts are: inspiration in isolation, seeking personal power, codifying a personal system of beliefs or insights, being willing to risk daily life for the possibilities I perceived. My reaction to that twinge in December was to do the mental equivalent of driving my mind into a snow bank. Too prevent losing control on the ice, I took a lower level disaster. As such I experienced a depression unlike any that I've experienced since I've been successfully medicated (keep in mind that covers 15 years so I was a bit surprised at its depth). However unpleasant that might have been, it was far less dangerous than the alternative. Granted, the goal is to keep from hitting either of those pylons, but we do the best we can. In case numbers matter to any of you as they sometimes do to me, I just turned 35 before said twinge. The distance between now and the third episode is an average of the other two intervals.

The features of this new attempt, which may make all the difference are: inspiration in community, seeking to serve, reading rather than writing, and understanding that the only way to get where I'd like to go is in balance with mundane requirements. There is an African aphorism that has shown up in at least three places in my reading during the past two weeks. It goes:

If you want to travel quickly, go alone;
If you want to travel far, go together.

I'm done traveling quickly. I'm ready to travel together.

May this day bring you many blessings.